When life overwhelms

Something that is often posed to me is the question how I function in such a noisy work environment. I chose teaching (and Drama teaching at that!) because I love it, quite simply, I didn't think my disability would get in the way. Of course I forgot to factor in hundreds of shrieking students that I deal with on a daily basis. It was definitely challenging in the beginning. Every new teacher needs to find their 'disapline sweet spot' ie; that spot where you can maintain discipline in the classroom without resorting to being a complete tyrant, but having boundaries so you aren't their friends. Like every new teacher this was a huge challenge, doubly so as I have a loud subject by nature so to keep the noise level at a point where I can cope was hard. However, five years later and I've gotten to the point where I manage okay.

But that doesn't mean I always cope. Working environments are quite simply not catered towards disabilities. This is not a critique of my job in no way, I have caring and understanding colleagues, but as I'm not very verbal about my problems, I often struggle without anyone realising. To give you an idea, let me take you through a day in the life of me:

I wake up at the crack of dawn to a buzzing phone on full volume I can barely hear. I go about my morning routine in almost silence. My house is my refuge, I don't see the need to wear my aids often around home as there isn't really anything I desperately need to hear. A bit later, my husband has been roused, breakfast made and consumed, and I pop in my aids. That is when my day really starts for me. Sound snaps into focus and I prepare myself for the drive into work.

The car. You know how you can hear all the sounds of your vehicle so you know when there are problems? Well, I can't. So I pray my car behaves and I don't have engine or tyre problems or else I wouldn't know until it was too late. I turn my radio on full volume so I can hear it and go to work. The nice thing is I don't tend to hear people hooting at me. The bad thing is that if an ambulance or blue light brigade come speeding up behind me, I have to be looking in my review mirror in order to move over for them.

Work. Now schools are NOISY places so I need to get to work early and spend an hour in blessed silence preparing myself mentally for the day. Ever been to a staff room? Well, they are NOT deaf friendly areas. I often miss out on important messages in the morning due to the large area and my inability to read lips from a long distance. And of course not everyone has a nice loud voice so often I have to bug my colleagues to repeat what goes on so I don't miss out. Staffroom conversations can be a nightmare. I try to restrict myself to talking to those next to me or opposite me. It's not being rude but with 20 different conversations going on around me I get completely overwhelmed by sound. Sometimes I'm so tired I just sit in silence as the effort of reading lips is often just too much. I don't blame my colleagues. They often just forget, or don't realise.

Then lessons. Yes, you can keep students quiet to a point but when they need to do group work or there are class discussions, there is only so much I can maintain. And practicals. Picture 25 teenage girls in a room all talking at once. The result? I don't hear a thing. I've trained my students to approach me to ask questions rather than ask from a distance. Now imagine the lipreading I do on a daily basis. Lipreading is not an exact science, it takes a lot of concentration and often I can interpret words wrong. Which leads to students having to repeat themselves a few times. Of course I have to make sure they're all working which leads to me reading 25 different lips on an hourly basis. Easy? Try doing it. Sometimes the noise gets so overwhelming I turn off my aids and rely solely on lipreading, nice to be able to turn off the world but hard work on the brain.

Back to staffroom for breaks. Noise. Sometimes really loud noise if we all in there at once. Overwhelming noise and more need for lipreading. Misunderstandings. Irritation.

Then lessons. And so it goes on. By 3pm I am exhausted. I drive the 25min home and collapse. My energy is spent. I take out my aids and spend the rest of the afternoon in quiet just to rest my brain. Hubby is used to this so it doesn't cause too many problems.

Next morning, it continues again. Weekends are filled with braais and restaurants where I have the same problems. It's hard. Hard hard hard. But what other choice do I have? I love my job and am happy with my choices but unfortunately it can be a lot harder on me than others in my position. End of term and I am shattered physically, noisy environments exhaust most hard of hearing individuals as we need to work harder.

So next time you see me looking tired, don't point it out. Give me a hug and a smile, sometimes it's all I need.

I'm back, with my dancing shoes on!

I started this blog last year and as life would have it, I forgot about it! I promise to be better at updating...

So what have I been up to in the meantime? The usual really. I had a rough week not so long ago that ended with a frustrating phone call to my medical aid which resulted in full blown tears on my side because I couldn't hear them! Why can't all businesses have a text/email address for the Deaf/HoH??? I'd love to know... but I'll cover that in later posts.

I'd like to share my latest accomplishment with you all. I've mentioned before that I dance. Well dancing is something I gave up when I was younger due to my frustration at never being flexible or balanced enough. I've also never had the typical 'dancer body' and my self-consciousness and anxiety led to me pretending for years that I was useless to get out of having to dance. In hindsight, I should have never given up so easily. The stage was truly my home and it would've helped an awful lot in my acting career being able to dance as well! But when my hearing dropped dramatically in high school, I all but abandoned my love for dance, knowing that not being able to hear the beat would affect me.

Well, post university, I found myself hobby-less and desperate for an outlet. I found an adult ballet class and joined. I flittered between dance schools, never quite feeling comfortable in the classes I was in. But one thing it did do was reignite my passion for dance. Unfortunately at the end of 2015 I fell down a flight of stairs, badly injuring my neck, wrist and ankle. I was out of dancing for 6 months and in that time my husband and I moved to a new part of town and I could no longer attend class at the studio I was at. By chance a friend mentioned to me that she knew of a studio in my suburb! Eager, I joined the ballet class and this year, I ventured back into modern.

I cannot explain how amazing being part of these classes has been. They are painstakingly patient with me, despite my lack of balance  (darn inner ear damage) and me not hearing the music! I really started to thrive again, loving dancing despite it all. I'm with the most amazing group of ladies, we are all so different but are joined by our love for dance.

Then the unthinkable happened, a freak accident which resulted in the same ankle being badly injured with nerve damage. Honestly I sometimes just wonder why ME. Being back in a moon boot and crutches for over 10 weeks was soul destroying. Being disabled in one way is bad enough. Temporarily disabled in another way was no picnic. I felt just so utterly HELPLESS. I was bedrest for a while and got quite depressed.

But here's the crazy thing about me, I don't give up that easily. My dance studio had it's yearly show coming up end of August and I just KNEW that I had to be in it. Bearing in mind that my injury occurred in March so honestly, most people didn't think I could do it... and really, neither did I until about a month before. But post-injury rehab is a real thing, so is getting yourself up after you've fallen (in my case, way to literally at times!) And all I needed to do was put my mind to it. Being disabled has taught me that I really can do anything if I'm determined and stubborn enough, and BOY am I stubborn!

So the 26 August came and there I was. Walking, dancing, performing. Disability, injury and all, I was there. I performed in FOUR numbers and yes, by the end my foot was KILLING me but it was all worth it. I performed far better than I thought I would and proved to myself that there is nothing the world can tell me I can't do.

So my question today is, What is holding YOU back from doing what you love? Disabilities can be a real issue but there are ways of still accomplishing them. Hey, if the girl who got called 'fall-apart' in school can dance and perform, I don't see why you can't.